that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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