seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
