i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
