i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
