so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
