Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
