I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
