Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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