i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
