Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
