Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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