I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
