Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
