Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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