You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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