she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
and you fell through a lawn chair
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
