wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
