Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
