I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
