guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i barfeds in our rink
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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