I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
