textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
