I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
