dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
