you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
