i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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