Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
