his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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