Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
