so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
