The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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