dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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