I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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