1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
