The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
