Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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