he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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