so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
