just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
