i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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