Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
