Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
