I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
