So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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