i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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