Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think your dad took our porno
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
