respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
