70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I'm passing your future prison.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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