i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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