the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
