The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
