I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
