Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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