Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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