apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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