i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
love makes seman taste better
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
