Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
