I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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