After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
